My boyfriend left me for his ex wife

Hillary writes, “I was dating a married guy for several years in the hope that he will eventually divorce his wife.  They obviously had no relationship at all because even though they were married for over a decade and not yet divorced, they did not even exchange Christmas cards.  Surprisingly though, last month he decided to visit his wife and that completely confused me.  I thought that maybe this was his effort to finally seal the deal on the divorce.  I have since found out that his wife approached him and invited him to visit her.  In the more than three weeks that he has been gone, he has cut off all communication with me and has treated me as if I don’t even exist in his life and I am worried.  I made some inquiries and have found out that he is not even with his wife and has been spending time with his friends there.  I am at a total loss as to what is going on and what is he up to.  Why did his wife ask him to visit her?  Why did he agree to that suggestion?  If so, why are they not together?  Why is he hiding from me?  Please, help me make sense of this.”

This is definitely very weird and unusual.  I am sure that you are not the only one thinking like this.  Even his wife must be very upset that having invited him over, he is still not with her.  My only hypothesis is that he has discussed things with his wife and it looks like their initial interaction was not positive.  Maybe they fought like dogs or realized that it was futile to even try getting back together because after being separated for so many years they are almost like strangers.  Since the meeting with the wife did not go positively, and he is a bit lost right now, he is just trying to keep himself busy to maybe help him think more clearly and make decisions.

I am a bit worried, though, that he has not called you or sent you an email at all.  I mean here I am who hardly knows you responding to your emails and being nice to you and that is when you and I owe nothing to each other, while this man was with you all these years and should have had the courtesy to kind of give you a brief call or send an email.  My theory is that there is currently so much on his plate that he is trying to just tune it all out.  I am sure you understand the feeling that when you have to deal with too many things in many directions, basically you freeze and do nothing.

While his behavior is not normal, that is not surprising because he left you just like that as if you two were not a couple but roommates.  Elaborating on his inconsistencies, he was living with another woman while married to someone else.  And to make it worse, he mistreated you even though you took him as he was and gave him all your love.  So right now it is hard to get inside his head.  My advice to you would be to wait for another couple of weeks in the hope that he would have had enough time to contemplate all the issues and made up his mind.  I guess if he does not show up in that time period or gives an evasive response, you would be right to conclude that the relationship is over.